(Beth, this one is for you.)
Some of my more noteable muzzleloading brethren can always be counted upon for getting down to the facts of any historical event. Below you will find the straight skinny on the History of Man from Pat.
“History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of
small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains in the summer and would go to the beach to live on fish & lobster
in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization &together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
is known as “the Conservative movement”.
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s & doing
the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of “the
Liberal movement”.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as ‘girleymen.’
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher
also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the
producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of
the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a
business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history.”
‘nough said.
Omar out.
