One more midnight posting before I make the leap into upgrading to WordPress 2.5…
I’m sitting in the dark as I type this and listening to the music I grew up listening to… and I’m seriously wondering who ever reads this stuff. (Oh yeah, this is going to be a real rambling rant!)
When did it happen? When, exactly did The Bull grow old? When did that ‘devil-may-care’ lifestyle and attitude fade, and when exactly did the habit of considering my mortality at night begin? Oh, it’s true that I lived a fast and furious lifestyle for many years. I’ve left many memories behind me. Many good, more fantastic, and a few bad. I’ll even admit to a few regrets. I never have been into drugs or alcohol. Never needed them because I was constantly high on Life. Something always had me spinning. Living history, trout fishing, serving my Country in the Navy, deer, turkey, fighting for fun, and most of all - women. You’d never guess it to meet me now, but I never slept alone unless I wanted to - and often not even then. I worked hard and played even harder. I made a lot of money in a profession I loved for my employers and made a lot of other people very happy in other ways for as long as they wanted me to do so. It was all quite a ride. One that it seemed would never end, even after I had decided I wanted off!
To quote from an old movie, there came a time when the gold lost its luster and the gems ceased to sparkle. Time and hard use had taken its toll on my mortal body and eternal spirit. Much of my former physical strength was lost and pain became a constant companion. I looked around and saw that while I had in hand a life most men only dream of, all I wanted was to be able to rest and be truly loved by one woman. I thought that with all I had already been through that accomplishing such a thing shouldn’t be any trouble. Heck, I even had an idea who ‘The Woman’ might be, (for no other knew me as well or complimented me better). The Gods, it seems, were willing to give me my rest, but they had other plans for who was the better mate. Their choice was, of course, perfect; (enter Lady Beth). There had to be a twist, though, and my new-found Life came at the cost of friends, loves, and acquaintances I had long held dear.
The Bull now is almost five years down the line from that change. Never have I had even one reason to doubt how it all turned out. I couldn’t be more in love with anyone than I am with my wife. Some of my strength has returned and I can move with a little more freedom. Pain is still with me and will always be so, but we’ve come to an understanding that holds fairly well. Most of the ‘lost friends’ remain lost to me to this day. I miss them terribly, but perhaps one day the rift will be healed. I truly hope it will happen before I cross though the Veil. On the other hand, there has been a reunion with members of my Family that I thought gone long ago. That has brought me much pleasure.
There is a ‘fly in the ointment’ though. I can’t quite put my finger on it, nor exactly when it began. There is that mortality thing I mentioned above and more. I seem to spend too much time in my old memories rather than making new ones. I keep worrying that I’m not passing on my knowledge fast enough. I fret constantly over the state and security of my Country and the basic American Freedoms than seem to be flowing away on the evening tide. I worry about what will be left for my children and grandchildren. It is always on my mind that my beloved wife will need help if I go before the children are grown. I think of my friends and wonder what memories of me they will hold - if any. At times there seems to be an essential part of ‘me’ missing. Too many times of late I’ve let things slide that never would have before. A ‘for instance’ for ya…
A while back a young dope-headed, thug wanna-be made some seriously derogatory comments about my daughter - a young woman he has never met. Same bit of crap made slanderous comments about The Bull. Well, time was when I would have hunted him down and extracted satisfaction immediately. The instance would have went as far as the little ass-hole wanted and I’d have come out on top. Some lucky ‘gator might have got a free meal but, hey, they’ve got to eat same as worms. I know that leaving no enemy standing is a good rule to live by, as is making an example out of each one that comes along just so that fewer try you later on. Never once has that concept let me down. Today that little turd is still walking along and I haven’t had my apology - yet. (He made a half-assed apology to Lady Beth via email, but since when can you count something like that?) Seems I’m getting weighed down with ‘rules’ like not kicking his ass at any family function. Damn. Sooner or later, though, this will have to be settled one way or another and the longer it festers the worse it will be at the end-game. Meanwhile, the little turd now has a kid of his own on the way - and worse, everyone thinks I’ve forgotten about the entire thing. Double-damn. The Bull never forgets such things. Never.
This is just an example, but it shows that something has changed, or is wrong, with The Bull. I just wish I knew what is going on. It isn’t the day-to-day things like paying the bills or septic tank troubles that are bothering me. It is something all together more subtle. Well, it is said. I haven’t got a clue if anyone will read it, much less have an answer. (Except for that new-born Pagan “prophet” out there in the Ether - who can keep his thoughts to himself, thank-you-very-much!) It all might be cured with an evening on the beach with my wife or a night shooting the shyte with a friend. Who knows?
Meanwhile,
Bull, out! 
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