The following came in yesterday afternoon from our dog trainer, Francis. I get the idea she has shoveled her share of snow somewhere along the line. All of this makes me miss the Appalachian Mountains I called home. Warm Summers, cool Winters, with snow and sunshine in fair measures.
Ahh… Memories…!
Diary of a Snow Shoveler:
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea
I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have
a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow
again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad
he’s our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear-end on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you can’t believe. The wife
laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I
hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own
living room.
December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy
playing hockey. I think they’re lying.
December 21:
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I
think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white crud fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed,
went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who
has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too
busy. I’m sure he is lying.
December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she’s lying.
December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who
drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know
he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that
snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the miserable slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I
hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful
Life” one more time, I’m going to scream!
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH is
driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of
snow predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Omar, out. 
Related posts
